Sometimes we need to be called out on our own behavior to recognize that we have not been our best selves to the ones we care about the most. When this epiphany occurs, it is often a good idea to pull away with love to gain perspective, examine, and really work on the parts of us that need improvement.
And by us, I mean me.
Excuses be damned, I am not an easy person to love. I can be moody, snarky, and I can clutch onto resentments that should have long been dissipated. I am needy. I can be unequivocally selfish.
In short, I am human. I can admit my faults and wrongdoings, but I often fail to forgive myself. And apparently, I’m not quite as forgiving of others as I would like to believe. I am capable of forgiveness, but I don’t forget. And there are plenty of times that old wounds raise their ugly heads in my brain, and I subsequently dole out harsh and unfair punishments to those who’ve already paid the price.
This, I know, is unacceptable. It’s one of the things that I dislike most about myself. I hold grudges in the worst way. At the time, I truly believe that I’ve forgiven, and can move on. But in reality? I actually don’t. There are times when I may feel slighted in the most miniscule way, and my brain blows that shit up into a colossal offense. Especially if there is a history of past transgressions. I will often regurgitate my feelings, chew them up, and spew them out again and again. It’s awful.
Apologizing doesn’t always work. Especially when I am a repeat fucking offender.
For a long time, I’ve been unaware of this pattern. But then I get a swift kick in the arse that brings it all to light for me, clear as day.
I’m an asshole.
I’m an asshole for doing things I really don’t want to do, and then expecting some kind of compensation that is impossible to repay. I’m an asshole because I have a sharp tongue, and I can say mean things. I’m an asshole for injecting myself into someone’s problems with the intention of helping them, only to eventually roll my eyes, and bitch that they’re dragging me into their bullshit later on down the road.
I’m an asshole because I don’t even fucking know the damage I do until it’s too late. I’ve destroyed many relationships with this behavior, and somehow find a way to justify my words and actions.
This needs to change.
At heart, I really do believe I am a good person. I love deeply, and I want to be the fixer of all the things. I want to be needed, and I want to be loved. I just have a fucked up way of showing it.
It takes a strong person to maintain a relationship with me. My loved ones are aware of my flaws, but they also know that they must tread lightly, lest they fall prey to my quick temper.. Sometimes it’s silence. Other times, it’s with cruel words that cannot be taken back or forgotten.
I’ve encountered enough assholes in my life that I think I eventually just turned into one as a defense mechanism. It’s my hard shell… It’s my way of maintaining control. It’s become my ultimate personality defect.
I’m working on being a better me. I really am. But in the meantime, I need to step away from some relationships that have turned toxic, both for myself, and those involved. I want to break that cycle, and removing myself from the equation is what seems right for all parties.
I think there will always be an assholey aspect to my personality. I mean, come on… I am a scorpio. I’m going to be a little bit of a bitch; it’s just who I am.
Big props to everyone who puts up with my shit, and still kinda like me. Love y’all!